I Made This.

On October 2nd Brandeis and I both went to my doctor's appointment. I never had Brandeis come after we heard the heartbeat mainly because he passes out really easily in doctor's offices. haha. jk. But on this day we were going to have our final ultrasound.

Way too large. 

The week prior I explained to the doctor I was worried I was going to need stitches all over because the babe will be too big. I could write word for word how I described what I feared would happen, but just in case a male is reading I will refrain. So we decided the next week to take a look at the babe and see how big he will approximately be. 

After that appointment we were told to go home and wait for a phone call with our scheduled C section date and time! We were gonna have a large one! 

That next morning I woke up to a voicemail.... It was like 11 am by the time I woke up. haha. It was scheduled for Monday October 6th at 7:30 am and we had to be there at 5:30 am! SO EARLY. 

That Sunday Brandeis gave me the most amazing Blessing. It was exactly what I needed. I was terrified. The whole process of having a baby has always frightened me. So knowing that in approximately 12 hours I was going to be facing a huge fear of mine basically escalated my sweating. 

We packed that night and went to sleep....Should I mention I was having contractions that WHOLE WEEKEND!! I seriously praise every mom that has suffered through those. I finally got to about every 8 minutes in between and was DYING! I cannot imagine.  

That morning we woke up and headed to the hospital! 

Everything is a blur in the morning. We were there for 2 hours prior to surgery. My mom showed up eventually with bagels (for brandeis) and I had some solid pain meds and fluid going through me. The nurse informed me I was progressing faster than the girls that had been there all night...go me?

7:30 hits and it is TIME! I can't remember if I walked or was wheeled down so lets just say I skipped. Brandeis was in his super tight, not made for tall men, operating outfit! Super adorable. He sat outside texting anyone that was awake while I went inside.

While inside I think I had the strangest out of body experience. I look at the operating table and decide no normal sized human could possibly fit on that super slim table... I sit on the side and a nurse tells me to lean over and she was holding my shoulders while my head was pretty much in her chest.

That was the moment I died.

jk....but almost. I sat there with my eyes closed for what felt like forever. I sat and prayed...then fasted ;) then prayed again. It was horrible. I honestly thought I was never going to make it out alive....and I was just sitting there..no pain. haha. I kept reminding myself that the baby needed to come out and I couldn't run away...I am not joking. I kept trying to figure out what I could do to not be there right then...and I guess I should have thought of that 9 months prior.... 

Finally the anesthesiologist inserts a million too long for your body needles. I was terrified. It didn't hurt too bad but just knowing if I moved I could be paralyzed really scared me...you blame me?

They were finally done and they laid me down on the made for a Barbie table. My legs felt like they were floating! I couldn't feel all the way up to my chest! Crazy. 

My doctor came in and chit chatted for a few seconds and I was SHAKING. I couldn't see what he was doing but whatever he did he decided I was fully numb. haha. 

They finally allowed Brandeis to come in. He came and sat or stood next to me..I am not sure haha. He was terrified mainly because I was shaking so bad. 

I felt like crying I was so scared. I felt some pressure and some nurses acted like I was a trampoline for a few seconds and then my doctor said, "the head is out." and Brandeis jumped up and started taking pictures! 

Within 17 minutes of us heading to the operating room we had a baby! :)

Brandeis went over and saw him and took pictures then came over to me to show me. I honestly had no desire to see him at that moment. I was still freaked out by what happened. I feel bad admitting that, but even when the doctor held him up at first to show me I closed my eyes. Everything seemed so nuts to me and it definitely was not like other moms that want their baby still connected to them while they hold them.....

It took about 15 min for them to stitch me up and bring me to the room where Jax, Brandeis and my mom were...I do not remember much after that.

I honestly don't even remember holding him for the first time. Everything was so crazy to me and I think I was so terrified by the whole experience that I couldn't just sit back and take in everything. 

Once my medicine wore off I think something clicked. I felt a longing for my baby. When others were holding him I was jealous and sad. The next day I even cried when I finally held him after someone stopped by. I began missing him and wanting to hold him every second of the day. 

Such a different feeling than when I first saw him. Yes, I was so excited to have him and I loved him instantly but it was not a fairy-tale type feeling. 

Now, It has been 6 weeks and I am crazily obsessed with him. I have created a monster. I cuddle him all day and night! The first few weeks I cherished breastfeeding him at night. I would sit and sing to him and pray for him. It never was tiring waking up with him. It was something I instantly loved. Now I basically sleep through the night and don't remember even waking to feed him, but I do. haha

He is the sweetest baby that will hold on and cuddle anyone that is willing! ....and I love that about him. Who doesn't love a cuddly baby? 

Moms say "Don't grow up!" but I honestly am so excited for the stages of his life to come. I love him right now as a baby and am so excited for his next stage and to see how he grows! 

I am in love! ;)