Missionary "Girlfriend"

I look back at the 2 years my husband was on his mission and feel the need to evaluate the good, bad, horribly ugly mistakes and accomplishments I made. This post is dedicated to all the lovely ladies still "actively waiting" for their "boyfriend" to return home from a 2 year mission.

WARNING: you, yes you...might not like this.
WARNING: I speak from personal experiences.
WARNING: I have learned from my mistakes.
WARNING: You need take this seriously. I am 100% serious.
WARNING: Brandeis once told me to write a book on this subject since I am really passionate about it.

I feel I am very blunt and real. Some Most days I hold my tongue and let people live in this fairytale.

Now, I have wanted to write a blog post about this subject since the day I started to blog...so no, you personally did not make me write this...so do not take it personally, but instead learn from it.

I was at one point in my life what you would consider a "Missionary Girlfriend" which is a horrible, gross, barf worthy term. I would never have called myself that and I never ever ever called myself Brandeis' "Girlfriend." Ever. In fact I technically never had that "title" until he came home from his mission since I strongly am against dating seriously before a mission....Now, I knew I loved him...I actually realized that a few days before he left on his mission. I knew the day he gave his farewell talk that he was the most amazing person I have ever met and that he would make someone so happy one day and I wanted to be that girl. BUT I had priorities.....

I have learned so much about what it takes to "wait" for a boy. Not only did I "wait" but my oldest sister in law did also. I think her experience with my brother on his mission taught me the most.

Background on Kelsea and my brother Brandon: They dated in high school until he went on his mission. If I know the story correctly I am sure they dated 2 ish years before his mission, so not just a few months...thats the part that matters...they loved each other. As an 11 year old watching my brother leave on his mission and seeing Kelsea heartbroken I remember thinking.."i don't want that." I am the craziest non-emotional person ever. I hate being sad and I hate missing people. So, I knew I would never want to be so wrapped around a boy when he left on a mission.

While my brother was gone Kelsea never came over. I remember being really sad, but if you know my mom you know that she had a "No Kelsea" policy. I was so sad. I have loved her since I met her when I was 9. That 2 years went by fast. Now that I am older I have heard stories of the dates and "boyfriends" Kelsea had and all the experiences and growing up that occurred while my brother was gone! After 2 years my brother came home and they were soon sealed in the temple and are still together after 11 years (I hope I did my math right.) So crazy. Life.

Now my story: Brandeis was not expecting me to write him. He told me that when he got my first letter he was so shocked. So, when I tell you I was standoffish towards him and never got too close...I mean it! We never "made out" while we liked each other for those 6 months. I was completely devoted to him going on a mission and me not being sad once he left. The day he said "goodbye" to me I gave him a side hug...A SIDE HUG. SO PATHETIC. I think Heavenly Father was holding my hand through the whole process. Knowing you love someone and not crying when they leave for 2 years was hard. I just thought to myself, "Be strong for him." Saying goodbye to family, friends and someone you love is not easy so I knew I had to keep in my feelings and be strong. My first step for myself to cope with him being gone and not getting depressed was to date. I went on a date before he went to the MTC. That is within 2 days of him leaving. haha...  I went on dates frequently. I even had 2 boyfriends that lasted 2-6 months. Those boyfriends were key to progressing like I did while he was gone.

Each boyfriend helps you grow. I am not saying go get in a serious relationship, but even dating someone more steady for a while wont hurt. I learned so much about what I wanted and didn't want from my future husband by the boys I dated. After each break up I would think, "Brandeis is so amazing, I cannot wait for him to come home." Truth. Dating other solidified my love for Brandeis. When Brandeis had a little less than 6 months till he came home I was talking with my bishop and he told me something that seemed so crazy and rude at the time, but I am so grateful now to have heard. "There is a chance he will come home and not feel like you are good enough." Wow. Slap to the face. Here I was reading my scriptures daily, attending the temple and basically being as perfect as you can get in this world and I was told I wasn't going to be good enough. Best advice ever. I knew I needed to be on his level. When missionaries come home they are 100% different. The same things are not funny anymore...they no longer want to run and get slurpees AND hot chocolate at midnight.. It is devastating. I had 2 brother's return home from missions and they were completely different. Its a fact, so do not think yours will be different.

If you do not progress and change for the better they will leave you behind! There is a reason only 2% of Missionary "Girlfriend"s become Missionary "Wives"....

I know maybe 10 girls right now actively waiting for a missionary and all I can say is, "Im sorry." I just feel you are completely wasting your life when you could be having amazing experiences and learning so much! Now, if you are one of these girls do not get upset at me for all of this because honestly, you are not even sure if I am wrong or right! I think of all the great things I did with those 2 years and the boys I was able to meet and learn from. These 2 years are for you to date and make sure you are making the right choice. Yes, your missionary is AMAZING and PERFECT, but maybe when he gets back you realize he isn't perfect for you anymore... Wouldn't you feel so upset at yourself that you pretty much threw away 2 years of prime dating/fun time crying at home over a boy that is 100% enjoying himself and not spending every free time thinking about you?!

Now, I did cry. I cried the first time after 3ish months of him being gone. I cried after each breakup I experienced or every time I met a boy that ended up treating me bad. I cried to have Brandeis around to talk to...but I got over it and pulled myself together real fast! I never cried around people. Crying over a missionary is for weak people! Be strong! If you are faithful and pray and read your scriptures you will not be sad they are gone! You will only find peace knowing they are going to come back a stronger more obedient and amazing man that could be your husband one day!

When Brandeis finally came home I was a mess....it is not an easy decision to finally date the 1 person you could marry. So, be prepared. I dated enough boys while he was gone that I knew for sure he was going to be perfect for me and what I needed... If I did not date and I just sat around with my Brandeis shrine in my closet, I know I would have not been as prepared as I was to get married. I mean, you will be with this person for ETERNITY! Enjoy the last 2 years you have as a single hottie! :)

I feel my long rants are all out on the table now. I would say all this to your face, and some of you I have, but I know when you are 'actively waiting" you are usually at an 8 or 9 on the "I am about to cry if you say his name or even the country my boyfriend is in" scale...so hopefully reading it seemed more gentle and loving.


Mistakes I made while waiting:
Emails. Do not do it. Can you not wait for a dang letter? I know it might take awhile to receive but they are only allotted a short amount of time for emailing and that time needs to be spent emailing their family. Receiving an email does not make your life better...it makes it worse since you just miss them more.

Family. Family is always #1. Some things I have learned since getting married is Brandeis spent more time trying to communicate with me than writing diligently to all his siblings. You need to remember (especially if they have large families) that their family is forever...you currently are not and might never will be. Imagine all those missionaries that never get married to the girl they spent all their time writing and trying to build a relationship with when they could be building that relationship with their family/the Lord....shame on you and on me!


List of things to remember.
1. Let yourself move on...even if it is just mentally and not in your heart. DO IT. Date. It's not a sin, I promise. No one will judge you if you date, we will actually applaud you.
2. Try to not elaborate on how much you miss them. I promise they never think "I miss her soooooo much" until they see you babbling through an email how sad you are without them. A quick, "I am proud of you." will do the trick. Or maybe a catchy saying. Brandeis and I had one. It was 2 words and meant everything to me when he would write it. More than him saying "i love you and can't wait to marry you and think about you every night when i see the moon knowing its the same where you are at."
3. Do not break rules. Even the grey area ones. Remember there is no grey..just black and white.
4. Send packages and letters. They love this. Make them generic and fun. and LOTS of candy. Brandeis loved when I just sent candy. (this part was something brandeis told me to tell you to do. haha)
4. ALWAYS BE UPLIFTING. I always ended my letters not with a "baby i miss you and love you." but with a scripture or my testimony then at the end i would tell him to be strong and to never regret a day he is out there since it will be over sooner than later.

I hope this helped someone....I do not mean to make you upset if you are...just trying to help and give you some insight from someone who has been there....don't forget...I have been you.

If you don't listen to anything I just said or just straight up think I am wrong then aoookay. I am fine with that...just as long as you continue to better yourself and have really good experiences in between the times you cry yourself to sleep.

Jerilyn...saving one girl from being depressed and wasting her amazing youth one blog post at a time.